Meeting people is an interesting experience, some thrive on it while it makes others nervous. However, everyone loves interesting and meaningful conversation, one that feels effortless and leaves a positive impression.
We are all acquainted with small talk, the pleasantries that are exchanged when meeting someone new or the vague comments made about the weather before getting to the point. While small talk can be a gateway to more interesting conversations, there is an equally likely chance that your conversation sparring buddy doesn’t give you enough ammo to fire back a follow-up question with, leaving you both feeling a little awkward as you sip your drinks and find a beat in which to excuse yourselves.
But in this post, I’d like to share an idea I came across a few years ago that (not too be overly dramatic) changed my life and how I approach conversations. This is the story of Big Talk.
How it all began
It all started at university when I went to study abroad in Singapore. Whilst thrilled to meet new people I quickly experienced the perils of small talk, the most glaring offence of which is that it gets repetitive. Fast. Meeting lots of people in succession, as I was doing at the sober(ing!) meet and greet events, it was difficult not to get déjà vu asking the same questions about where people were coming from and what they were studying.
Eventually, I could feel myself and my companions getting a little tired of answering the same questions with each new interaction as if we were part of some regimented speed dating experiment where it was required to recount one’s credentials before any further questions were permitted.
A few weeks on, after everyone had settled into their new routines, an email dropped into my freshly minted university mailbox regarding an on-campus talk by one Kalina Silverman who was coming to speak about having better conversations. Although the email looked interesting, due to clashes with my highly urgent vacation plans, I was unable to make the date so instead did a little digging and came across her Tedx Talk.
While not the most polished Ted Talk I’ve ever seen, she did layout the very perils of small talk that I had experienced just a few weeks prior and provided her solution. Big Talk.
What is Big Talk?
Big talk is the approach of asking open-ended thought-provoking questions. Whilst I’d had these sorts of conversations with good friends the idea of charging out the gate with something like ‘what’s one thing you want to before you die?’ when meeting a stranger was frankly alarming. But the concept got me excited and I wanted to test out and share this discovery. I went around telling my new friends all about it and opening with the two questions Kalina used in her video.
- ‘What’s one thing you want to do before you die?’
- ‘If you had 24 hours left to live what would you do with your time?’
The results were pretty amazing. Barely acquaintances were ready to share stories about their lives that might have taken months of friendship to uncover. It led to Big Talk almost becoming my default mode of starting a conversation when meeting new people.
The most memorable use was when my friend Anand and I were in Kuala Lumpur with my newly purchased GoPro in hand and decided to go around interviewing people about their lives using the camera as an in and Big Talk as an opener. It turned out to be one of the most memorable nights of our lives. You can listen to us recount the story on Anand’s podcast, Above The See. Also, do check out the full episode where we discuss living abroad and some of the other interviews on Anand’s page.
What I’ve learnt since starting to use Big Talk
- Big talk doesn’t necessarily make meeting new people easier, it just makes your conversations more interesting and memorable.
- Other people have lived entire lives and had amazing experiences and unless you dig deeper past the small talk some of those stories may never come to light. People don’t generally force stories upon you on first encounter and sometimes they need a prompt to jog their memory.
- If Big Talk is your default it creates a brilliant first impression. You will be someone interesting in a sea of small talkers and people will appreciate and remember that.
I challenge you
Next time you meet someone; family, friend, or stranger, try out Big Talk.
You’ll have to read the room a bit as there’s a time and place for it and it isn’t always appropriate or even what you want.
From experience, I’d say it doesn’t work as well with groups if everyone isn’t up for it, plus pouring your heart out in front of a group of people is a little less comfortable. But it’s an absolute game-changer for one-on-one conversations.
It’s also a good idea to ease people into making Big Talk. Ambushing them with an existential question might seem like a bit of a heavy opener. How I normally like to introduce the topic is the following:
- Ask the other person if they’ve heard of Big Talk and if not;
- Share how you discovered it and what it’s about,
- Explain what Kalina Silverman did in her video and the two questions she asked, prompting the other person to answer those very questions,
- (Extra) share how the video shows that when people have their entire lives ahead of them their responses are generally self-fulfilling but when their time is limited the thing that matters most is the people in their lives.
- Go from there
It might take a few attempts to cultivate how you introduce it but I promise you it will be well worth your time.
That’s it. Go and connect with someone and share your experience with me! I would love to hear how it all goes.
If you’d like some inspiration about Big Talk questions or just want to learn more about the topic check out the website.
If you want to delve deeper into having better conversations check out this Ted Talk (I know, another one) Celeste Headlee’s: 10 ways to have a better conversation. It’s great!
I will give it a try
I will give it a try